The in Between

I have a problem.

My problem lies in the in between. I am historically uncomfortable with the unknown. In most cases the unknown is…other people. I can’t control them, their feelings, their actions, their emotions, their decisions. Nor should I want to. But I can tell you one thing – I have really really tried. If I had my way, I’d be the director of this show. The teacher who grades the paper. The judge who gives the score. 

And it’s not about control over someone else. It’s about feeling like I have control over myself and for so long, I have based my worth, my success, my beauty, my intelligence – on the judgment of someone else. It’s ridiculous as I think about it. I needed no one to become the me that I am and yet, there is still a pull to be…perfect.

We are all, always, in the in between. Even if we are grounded in our current reality, there is always something waiting beyond. A decision to be made. A purpose to explore. A path to walk. And we are always in front of or behind…something. So, how do we get comfortable in the in between? How do we sit with the unknown and just find peace in the not knowing?

Even at this stage in my life where I feel confident that, no matter what, I’m going to be ok – I still have a thousand things that are…waiting. I wonder how they will all turn out. What roads will I take? What paths will be followed by the people I love? Who will I lose? Where will I find success, meaning, contribution, joy….?

And the truth is, I have no freakin’ clue. I’m not meant to know because, all of that? It’s not in my hands. It’s in the grasp of a hundred different people and some butterfly somewhere that could change the course of all of our lives with just a flap of its pretty little wings.

So, the only thing I’ve come up with is to live in the moment. To be happy with the gifts you’re given. To learn how to adapt to the pain that life brings you and to find some comfort in the in between because as long as you’re in between something – well, that means you’re on your way somewhere and that’s something. 

The in between, it’s uncomfortable. I was trying to think of a decent analogy and the best I could come up with was exercise. When you’ve started a fitness routine, you tend to know it’s working when you’re sore, when things are a little uncomfortable, when there’s a little pain. And sometimes that pain comes during the workout and sometimes it’s a day or two later. It just depends. But, no matter what, when you feel it, you know you’re changing.

And I think that’s what it’s like to be in the in between. Don’t know when grief will end? You’re not supposed to but the pain you feel, it means you’re alive…and changing…adapting. Can’t find a solution to a problem? Not all problems are created equal. Sometimes you have to sit with them and that can hurt…a lot. But the hurt? It’s part of the process. 

Someone once said, stop suffering in comfort and I think that might say it best. We are born to change. We are alive to overcome. We are not meant to sit stagnant. A rolling stone and all. So I’m trying to be a little bit more welcoming to the in between because to me, it’s a road and at this point in my life, I’m ready to get in the car and drive.

So if you’re stuck in the in between, maybe you should just step on the gas? Or find some gas station coffee and contemplate life. However you handle the pauses in life, they’re yours to handle…and no one else’s. 

Be your own in between. 

XOXO, L