Reaping What They Sowed

Sometimes a wound cuts so deep that it is almost impossible to not allow it to paint your perspective. What would otherwise be a day full of sunshine, suddenly turns the slightest bit grey and a little bit bleak. It’s not that you don’t feel the happiness or relish in the gifts that you’ve been given but there’s this undercurrent. A slow tide rolling in. And maybe you’ll swim above it just fine but you wonder if it’s possible, or even likely, that it’s going to sweep you away.

That’s trauma I guess. Or heartbreak. Or broken trust. Or any of the many things that leave us…changed. It’s true you reap what you sow but sometimes, you reap what they sow. You pay the price for what has been done to you. It’s unavoidable. When you give yourself over, when you pass your heart and soul to someone you believe is worthy and they just rip it to shreds – it changes you.

I suppose that can be a really good thing too. It teaches you to discriminate. You learn how to spot the wolves. But I think sometimes it leaves you a bit jaded, a bit guarded, and more than just a little bit unsure. It takes a tribe of the willing to overcome those feelings. It takes truly genuine people to break down those walls. It takes a level of patience that, honestly, good people shouldn’t have to endure. But the really good ones, they’ll stick around. Because they get it.

I had an interesting conversation tonight about whether or not I was an empath. I, of course, railed against the notion. I have sympathy but I’m not empathetic, I said. My friend laughed at the notion. If I wasn’t empathetic, how in the world would I have found myself in the position I was in just six short months ago? So, like it or not, I feel people’s pain. Particularly if I have gone through similar pain. It has caused me to give the wounded more time than the healed. I want them to feel seen. Just like I yearn to be seen. For the most part, that has resulted in meaningful connections. But on occasion and on one big occasion, it allowed me to give a pass over and over and over again to someone who wasn’t worthy. Someone who didn’t have my heart in mind. Someone who pretended to be a protector.

And once you’ve lost that battle…once you realize that you squandered that precious time for someone who was never going to honor the patience you provided, well, it cuts you down. I’ve learned or am at least on my way to learning, that I have no control over anyone else and the only thing that truly matters is my own heart and happiness. Once you focus inward, the outside world…it gives you what you need. I believe that. I do. It can be hard though – to stay in that place of confidence. Wounds reopen. Insecurities start to resurface. I wish I could say that I was always strong enough to stay grounded in my sense of self. But we are the sum total of our experiences. We are what the world has made us – to a degree anyway.

So I try. I stumble. I get up. I keep walking. It’s all I can do. I am full of joy and pain and tragedy and all the things that make me human. I relish in knowing that there are others out there who walk beside me, behind me and in front of me – who are making a beautiful life for themselves. No matter how many thorns may prick their fingers, they still find the roses beautiful. Life is a series of missteps. We get bruised and we heal. We prepare ourselves to get hurt again. But we know that pain is temporary and without pain we wouldn’t truly understand peace.

It’s the constant ebb and flow of misery and joy that keeps us all going. Just like the tide. If you fight too hard against it, you will drown. But if you open your arms and just float, maybe…just maybe, you’ll stay above water.

P.S. I hate the ocean. Give me pools and a pina colada anyday.

XOXO, L