Life Goal: Do Not Get Featured on a True Crime Podcast

It’s possible that I’m a little maxed out on women’s intuition. It may be that I’m overly suspicious of the average Joe but mark my words, neither myself nor anyone I love will ever be featured on a true crime podcast! This is…a life goal. And one I’d recommend to everyone reading this.

Tonight, I stalked my niece.

There, I said it. Do what you will with that information but these are the facts.

I am not ashamed. I do not feel remorse. I am not going to apologize for over-sensationalizing a potentially non-existent problem to the point that someone I love felt compelled to keep me on speaker as she picked up storage boxes from a stranger.

This is where you say, but wait…I need more details.

Not to worry.

I am here to appease.

But first…

Ha! Got ya…you didn’t think I’d get to the meat right out of the gate did you?

So…but first….. let me caveat by saying that I am intensely aware of my surroundings and the work I’ve done for the last 20 or so years has made me ever so slightly jaded. I do not trust many people. Strike that. I don’t trust anyone. It is not my job to make you feel comfortable or liked – don’t get me started on trusted. You have to work for that and I’m not sorry about it – not one bit.

Here’s the thing – we were given this powerful ability to intuit our surroundings and the people that come into our space. We shouldn’t discount that. Not ever.

Occasionally though, we still find ourselves confronted with situations that we cannot control and people we do not know.

So, what do we do in those situations?

Dammit…we call a friend.

Don’t be the person who goes to the place where no one knew you were heading. Find a person. Any person that you TRUST and tell them where you going, when you’re going to be back and what to do if they haven’t heard from you. Make a plan and do it right now.

I joke with the people I love about this …because, we’re all kind of the same. After this Gabby Petito incident (which is heartbreaking, of course), I told my niece, if you ever get a weird text from me or haven’t heard from me for a while when you expected to – expect the worse. And then, find all the pictures you can of me with the biggest smile…or holding cute babies and plaster them all over the Internet …send them to Fox and CNN…I no longer care about politics. DO ALL THE THINGS!

And of course, without question, I would do the same for her…or anyone else I love. And even those I don’t know but who deserve that kind of attention in those times of desperation.

The story is this, and I hope I will be forgiven for sharing…

We were talking about other things when my niece mentioned she was going to pick up some storage boxes that she had bought on Facebook Marketplace. My heart stopped. It literally stopped. I felt it. Don’t question me just…hush.

I had just written an intel piece the week prior on armed robberies of people selling or buying things on various customer to customer marketplaces to include Facebook. (How many times can you reference Facebook without getting sued??)

I’d like to caveat that my niece is intelligent, intuitive and aware of her surroundings – not to mention well-versed on how to handle and carry a weapon. But she is also stunning and well…it really doesn’t matter how prepared you might be, anything could happen.

I didn’t like it. I didn’t like it at all.

And in my not liking it – I apparently made her nervous.

But, honestly, I’m happy about that.

I’m happy that she was …um…armed…and took a dog and that I was on speaker phone the whole time. I’m glad that she shared her location and that I screen-shotted it like a psychopath. I don’t care that it was an exercise in futility because nothing bad happened. Because that’s not the point.

Something could have happened. And I would have been there … or the police would have…in minutes. We were prepared and there is no shame in that.

We live in a world where things can flip on a dime. I don’t like to assume the worst but when the worst is out there and you have tools at your disposal that might save your life, I am not at all opposed to using them.

Because as much as I am entertained by the stories people tell on true crime podcasts, I don’t want to be a story. And I don’t want any of you to be a story either.

So, make a plan. Or at the very least, call a friend…or your overprotective aunt. I promise they will stay with you the whole time.

In the words of one particular podcast out there, stay sexy…don’t get murdered. And also, get a job, buy your own shit, and stay out of the forest.

Bonus points for not meeting people at parks who are selling are buying anything on a customer to customer marketplace.

The end.