I can’t. I can. I wish. I live.

I feel guilty tonight. I don’t know why. It’s just a feeling of not doing…or being…quite enough. For myself. For my family. For my friends. I can’t seem to put my finger on it. Can’t quite get a grasp on the why of it all. I just – sometimes – can’t. And I guess this is one of those times. I can’t make more time in the day, more sand in the hourglass. I can’t make people come together instead of falling apart. I just can’t…do much at all in the great big world. Even on a small scale it seems there are some people who I just can’t make see. I can’t fix their broken. I can’t talk sense. I can’t make them see the love all around. I can’t. I’m certain it’s not my job but it still hurts – that I can’t.

I also can’t sleep. Not really ever it seems. I can’t stop having terrible dreams about unprocessed feelings and a marriage there was no closure for. I can’t control dreams and I also can’t stop being so freaking mad that they plague me. Even without dreams, I can’t situate myself in a peaceful sleep state and it feels like someone has robbed me of the only part of 24 hours I have to truly recharge.

Oddly or perhaps not so strangely, I can’t always find the line between tired and weary, sadness and grief. But for every can’t, there is something else below the surface. I can love. I can wake up tomorrow. I can inspire and lead and hope and dream. I can laugh and smile that smile that he loves. I can choose stillness in chaos and quiet confidence in strife. I can forgive slowly, or quickly or not at all. I can hold space to change my mind.

I wish. I wish things had been different. I wish I had better answers. I wish sleep came easy and peaceful feelings weren’t so fleeting. I wish the bags I carried weren’t so hard to lug through every new doorway. I wish that the people I love had the weight removed from their luggage too. I wish time would grow infinite and pain, disappear. I wish I could experience the weightlessness of another summer at the lake when I was a kid. I wish my family knew how special they are….and then multiplied it by a million. I wish everyone was as lucky as I am. I wish this world was easier for us all.

But we live.

I live.

And that’s powerful, even when you feel small. Even when living looks more like surviving, or crying quietly while brushing your teeth or writing a blog after you’ve tucked your two weenie dogs in their crates and told the love of your life goodnight. We live in spite of but also because of it all. That’s not nothing. It’s the whole kit and kaboodle.

When the world gets as complex as it has been lately, sometimes surviving is thriving. That’s the secret in the title of this post.

I can’t. — But maybe you should.

I can. –And you’ve got more in you.

I wish. –Because wishes are the first brave step.

I live. –And that? That’s the greatest gift.

I can’t live without you all. I can survive because of you. I wish you all the joy you could possibly hope for. I live with your love tucked safely in my heart.

And if you’re reading this, you’re living too. Thank goodness for that!